The Whole Brain Child

"We have to train ourselves to think of the good things because naturally we focus on the negatives. That’s how our brains are wired. I picked this book because Dr Dan Siegel is one of my favourite psychiatrists, and a real pioneer. Siegel uses what neuroscience tells us about how a child’s brain develops to provide practical tips for parents, especially when their child’s having a full-blown tantrum. When we understand a bit more about how a child’s brain works, we can see that their tantrum isn’t our fault – it’s just a sign that their fight-or-flight response has been triggered. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or that you’ve done something wrong. Yes. One of the things I love most about mindfulness is that it is all about cultivating kindness and compassion, for ourselves as well as others. It’s about raising kids who are kind and compassionate and care about people and the planet. Siegel’s work can really help with this because he’s taken some very complex neuroscience and translated it into very simple language. I really like how he divides the brain into the “upstairs brain” and “downstairs brain,” which I reference in my book. The upstairs brain is basically the prefrontal cortex -— the walnut-textured upper part of the brain which handles logic and decision-making, and which isn’t fully developed until you’re twenty five years old. The “downstairs brain” is home to the more primitive fight-or-flight mechanism that kept our caveman ancestors alive. Siegel talks about how the brain gradually learns to work like an orchestra, with everything in harmony. “Parenting can be a whole new playground for the inner critic to take over.” But when a child has a meltdown, this orchestra is obviously badly out of tune. Siegel calls these kinds of tantrums ‘flipping your lid.’ What’s happened is that the “downstairs brain” has taken over: your child is completely overwhelmed by emotions and big feelings and they can’t take on board anything you’re saying to try to reason with them. In practical terms, it means that if a child is in the grip of a full-blown tantrum there’s no point trying to talk them out of it – you have to provide a reassuring presence until they begin to calm down. Sometimes a kid just needs to cry it out a bit and express themselves before they are ready to talk. I think this makes a real practical difference for many parents I work with in how they respond. Yes, and children can be scared by those feelings because they are so huge and massive. And, in a way, that can be quite overwhelming for you as a parent. Our “downstairs brain” can get triggered as well. That’s why it’s important to learn to stay mindful and keep calm when our child is in that very overwhelmed state. I think why I like Siegel is that he normalises those big feelings. That’s what the brain does at that age. The emotions just take over. The frontal part of the brain is not fully developed yet, so of course they can’t calm themselves down very easily on their own. They need time. Some of them need a hug; some of them need space to be left alone. Siegel has a great video on YouTube on ‘flipping your lid’ which you can watch with your children. Kids also love learning about their brain because it helps them to realise that it’s normal for them to feel overwhelmed and that managing their emotions is a skill they can learn."