They F*** You Up

"What Oliver James argues is that this is all mostly to do with conditioning. He’s not saying it’s got nothing to do with genetics, but there’s a lot of noise now, about genetics and people being born with certain mental conditions. In his view, with many mental conditions – such as ADHD, depression, schizophrenia, even Asperger’s – conditioning is much more important than genetics. It’s all about what happens to you between the ages of one and six. You can’t just say: “Well that’s just me, that’s the way I am.” There’s a reason you are like that, and it’s usually to do with very early life trauma. What was a real revelation for me was his discussion on scripts. You’re given a script for life, and you will always play out this script. For instance, my script was that I was the younger brother to a sister who didn’t like me very much. That became my script: the annoying little brother. Another script I had was that my father was constantly disappointed in me, so I was also the disappointing son. And what Oliver James says is that once you have this script, it follows you through your entire life. Others will fit into your own script – perhaps in my example acting as my annoyed sister or disappointed father. I will always play the annoying little brother role. If I’m in a group of people, that script will dictate the way I react to people, the way I treat people and my expectations of how they’re going to perceive me. It was Virgina Satir who talked about the family being the factory where people are made, and Oliver James encapsulates that very well by talking about scripts. I thought that was absolutely brilliant. You feel trapped in this script. So how do you get out of it? Well, the way you get out of it is to develop new scripts, which is also Oliver James’s message. Another important thing James talks about is how you must develop insight. The key advantage that you can have, as an insecure person is insight into both your own and others’ insecurities. Everyone is in some way insecure, and certainly has their own script, but you’re the one that has insight into that process happening. That gives you an enormous advantage. It even helps with my sister. She still treats me as the annoying little brother but I now know that’s the script so I can cope with it. Now you see the beginning of this journey, of navigating your insecurities… In terms of your script, he’s building on the work of others, and that’s not so controversial. But with his downgrading of genetics, debate certainly rages. People are very divided about it. I don’t actually see why it’s so controversial, because all he’s saying is that even if there’s an element of genetics – and according to him there’s no evidence there is — it’s not helpful to assume it’s genetics. It’s much more helpful to assume it’s conditioning."