Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

"Yes, Duhigg is an American journalist and nonfiction writer. Super-Communicators is an interesting way of trying to understand what makes some people particularly accomplished in their interpersonal interactions. It’s not just about what is said, it’s about nonverbal communication as well. Duhigg emphasizes that around 50% of what is communicated is not communicated through words. It’s gesture, intonation, facial expression, and so on. Duhigg emphasizes that generally speaking, communication could be about one of three things: Firstly, it could be about the practical—being goal-focused and getting stuff done; Secondly, there are conversations about emotions, about sharing how we feel; Finally, there are conversations about our social identities – our preferences and affiliations—who we are, and where we stand relative to others. Teachers, for example, need to be fairly accomplished at identifying these different types of communication in the classroom. Teachers will ask their pupils: Do you need to be helped? Which is an example of practical conversation. Or: Do you need to be hugged? Which is an example of the emotional conversation. Or: Do you need to be heard? Which is about social our circumstances, a sense of being able to express your preferences and have them respected. I thought that was a lovely observation. The idea of teachers asking their students if they need to be helped, hugged or heard. He argues that often, in conversations between people, there’s a mismatch. So: you could come to me wanting to have a practical conversation—to solve a problem—but I might respond with more of a social response, such as: ‘Well, I don’t quite see it the same way you do.’ You can imagine how that might fall a bit flat. This highlights the importance of understanding what the intention of another’s communication might be, so that we can respond in kind, and respond with kindness. Understanding the intention behind another’s communication equips us to respond more appropriately. Duhigg also talks about the importance of what is referred to as ‘matching’, reciprocating not just the type of conversation, but the emotion within the communication. There’s the process of synchronization—mirroring the body language of the other person, being tuned into the extent to which they are engaging in eye contact etc. It’s not just mimicry, it’s about that process of helping the person know that they’re being seen, and that you are emotionally invested in the conversation. That’s why I think it’s an important book for being kind to people. Rumi, the Sufi poet, once wrote: Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there . I do a lot of couples therapy work, which is a real joy for me. Helping couples to communicate better and be more sensitive is really important. Trying to break the cycle of proving the other person wrong is such an important part of that couple’s worth."

"Then you might be interested in the new book from Charles Duhigg ( The Power of Habit ) , which dissects the skills of what he calls ‘super-communicators’—that is, those socially-gifted conversationalists who can guide an interaction successfully and seamlessly, avoid offence while approaching prickly subject matter, and generally convince others to share your point of view. To this end, there’s some shared territory with Payne’s Good Reasonable People —he delves, for example, into why, for example, unconscious bias training can be counter-productive (those being lectured to, feeling defensive, dig in their heels)—but Duhigg approaches this from the perspective of someone who wishes to influence opinion or turn other unpromising situations to one’s own advantage through the power of sweet talk. His case studies, warns the Wall Street Journal , can read “more like manipulation than communication.” But, argues Duhigg, you don’t need to be cynical: “Conversations can change our brains, bodies, and how we experience the world.” By opening ourselves to dialogue, we open ourselves to more authentic exchange."