Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

"Kristin Neff is someone who has inspired my work for many years. She’s an educational psychologist and an associate professor at the University of Texas in Austin. Because she works in an academic setting, she has a keen eye for research studies relating to being kind to yourself and others. As such, her work is evidence-based, and it provides a very persuasive argument using data to highlight the value of self-compassion. She identifies three key elements: one is mindfulness, being able to have an awareness of painful thoughts and emotions; there’s ‘common humanity,’ or the shared struggles we all experience in being human; and the final element is self-kindness, that is, being motivated to show a level of forgiveness and warmth towards oneself when we fall short or don’t perform to the best of our ability. She captures these in a very succinct, crisp way. Could I invite you to repeat three lines back to me, if you’re willing to do that? So, if you’re going through a difficult time, the first step would be to acknowledge that in a mindful way. Perhaps you could just practice saying: ‘I am going through a difficult time.’ Then the second element, which speaks to the common humanity element, is just to recognise that all people go through difficult times. Perhaps you could say that. Excellent. Then, the final piece, the self-kindness: ‘May I respond with kindness.’ Exactly. So, in three very simple lines, we capture the essence of Kristin Neff’s conceptualisation of self-compassion. I think she has done a great job in operationalising self-kindness and making it relatable for people. In the book, she draws on her own lived experience as a parent, and some of the self-criticism and harshness she could direct against herself. So, I applaud her for her vulnerability, her willingness to do that, and that’s certainly something I’ve tried to capture in my own writing style. It’s a really practical book. That’s the beauty of it. I think, as an author but also as a practitioner, I’m interested in books that are both intellectually stimulating but also full of practical tips, tools and techniques that readers can use to make a difference in their own life. Kristin Neff does that."

"This one is a more general book on self-compassion. I guess I chose this because when I was having a very tough time in my own life, particularly in my mid-twenties, I found this book and it was a lifeline. It basically taught me to look at things differently. I was having a bit of a crisis of confidence and I think this book spoke to me because I realised that, like many women, I had a very strong inner critic and I didn’t even realise: I thought I was very confident and upbeat. Kristin Neff is speaking from her own heart. I feel like she’s clearly gone through a lot in her own life, and she has a son with autism. But she’s learnt the power of self-compassion herself, so I think that makes her a very powerful teacher. I guess I learnt to treat myself more gently after reading this. I also learnt the power of really beginning to feel my own feelings. I’d spent a lot of time running away from my difficult feelings. That was a new thing for me: it is not something that I learnt in my clinical psychology doctorate. I had been studying psychology for ten years and not once had anyone said to me you really need to feel your painful overwhelming feelings and let yourself go there . I had spent a lot of time running away from them, obsessed with my work, seeking external validation. And we all do it; I saw it in my clients as well. I wasn’t looking within; like so many of us, I was scared of my own feelings. I think it’s very scary to look at them. But I think one of the things that we can do is learn to work with our inner critic. I really believe we have an epidemic of not feeling good enough and not feeling worthy. I’ve worked with so many hundreds of clients and it’s the same issue that I see, time and time again – particularly with parents. All the patterns get magnified because it’s such an incredible responsibility that you have. And there are so many more opportunities for judgement and comparisons as a parent. Parenting can be a whole new playground for the inner critic to take over. “Kindness is a skill that we have to learn and train our brains into being able to do because we’ve been conditioned to be hard on ourselves.” It’s ingrained into us. It’s a collective thing, actually. We’re not alone in that and that’s the thing that I’ve seen over the years. I think, for parents, there is such a drought of self-compassion. As a parent, you’re looking after everyone else and it’s very difficult to remember your own needs and to care for yourself. I think there’s been a message somewhere along the line from past generations that to be kind to yourself is selfish at some level. And it’s not. I know as a psychologist that if I don’t look after myself, then I can’t give to any of my clients; I haven’t got enough left. So, it’s how do we see that ‘me-time,’ that putting yourself first, actually doing some of those things like yoga – or whatever lights you up – is so essential to being that parent. That’s also modelling self-care for your children as well. They can see you actually do take time out for yourself sometimes. And obviously that’s difficult in a busy week, I get that. That’s one of the difficulties of parenting, particularly for working mums or dads. But I think this is just an essential message that I hopefully managed to convey in my book: just be gentle with yourself. Yes, we’re not taught that. Again, I was not taught that as a psychologist. I learnt that afterwards, the hard way. But I like Neff’s compassionate way of writing and about treating yourself with the same kindness that you would show to your children or your friends or your partner or people you love. And, also, she talks about common humanity. So, just to remember that everyone is struggling with what it means to be human. None of us are perfect. We all struggle with these feelings. And I guess mindfulness is very much about how do we get out of heads and into our bodies, because a lot of us are very disconnected from our bodies. We walk around like we’re heads on sticks – we’re cut off from our feelings, which happen in our bodies. We need to get back in touch with ourselves, and that means cutting yourself some slack as parents and not beating yourself up. “A lot of us are stressed adults and young people are like tuning forks: they pick up on stress around them.” We are not in a habit of being kind to ourselves, so therefore it is not the natural go-to. It’s a skill, like learning maths. Kindness is a skill that we have to learn and train our brains into being able to do because we’ve been conditioned to be hard on ourselves. So, you do have to have reminders and I think that even something as simple as putting inspirational quotes or an uplifting image on your fridge can make it easier."