Modern Romance: An Investigation

"Yes, those allegations definitely cast a shadow over the good-guy image Ansari had carefully cultivated—both in his public persona and in the book. Nonetheless, I think this book is the one that best expresses to somebody who hasn’t experienced it what it’s like to online date. It was written just as apps were taking off. He shares things like the litany of ‘hey’s that you get and the very sexually aggressive first messages. It’s quite visual, showing actual text exchanges and people’s pouty profile pictures. So I think that really helps communicate what it’s like to participate in this. The book was co-written with the sociologist Eric Klinenberg. They interviewed Barry Schwartz, the author of The Paradox of Choice , who is quite funny about what it means for dating. In his book, Schwartz explains the psychological effects of having too many blue jeans to choose from, or too many mutual funds or breakfast cereals. As applied to a partner, he says: ‘How many people do you need to see before you know you’ve found the best? The answer is every damn person there is.’ He concludes that ‘this a recipe for complete misery.’ But the apps are built on the illusion that the more choice we have, the better chance of a good outcome, and the happier we’ll be. “Don’t double text: if you haven’t heard back from somebody, leave it” I should caveat this, however. For individuals in what’s called ‘thin markets’—with specific sexual interests, for example, or for members of the LGBTQ community—satisfaction rates are consistently higher with internet dating and with apps. Even though they’re plagued with the same issues of racial bias and aggressive messages, the greater choice afforded by apps offers more utility in smaller ponds. You asked whether there were any useful dating manuals. Modern Romance offers some texting advice. It may seem like common-sense, but sometimes when you’re really interested in somebody, it’s helpful to be reminded not to text back immediately. The Rules has very prescriptive text-back times, which is ridiculous, but it’s true that you don’t want to seem overly eager. (Unless you’re in the middle of a text conversation or sexting, in which case you don’t want to wait half an hour between messages!) Also, don’t double text: if you haven’t heard back from somebody, leave it. The length of texts you send should be about equal or less—you shouldn’t be responding with a paragraph to a text of three words. And the last person who texts in a conversation wins. Yes. In my day job as a literary critic, I’ve covered a lot of books about consent. I think what’s interesting is that it’s fiction that has been most adept at handling the subject, because it can slow down a scene enough to show the moment where that power switches. We mentioned ‘Cat Person’—that was better able to encapsulate the dynamic between a young woman and an older guy than nonfiction. Exactly. Gaitskill is also an accomplished essayist, but she said she chose to explore the complexities of #MeToo in a novella because fiction gave her more bandwidth for nuance."