From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth-Century America

"That’s right. Bailey details the move from ‘calling’ to ‘dating’, and what that meant in terms of gender relations. She argues that calling—which took place in a woman’s parlour—kept courtship in her domain of control. A woman, or her family, would invite a man to come call, and it was considered rude to arrive without an invitation. The conventions of courtship were replaced by dating as people moved to cities to work in the early part of the 20th century. Lower class working women didn’t have parlours in which to receive men, and so dating became about going out to do something. Envious of the freedom afforded by unchaperoned encounters, women from the upper classes came to adopt the practice as well, and the advent of cars spread dating outside of cities. “The word ‘dating’ was first used by prostitutes to refer to their appointments” Bailey is unequivocal that this fundamentally altered the gender dynamic, because the man was expected to pay for a date —at the time, men out-earned women two to one, so there was no question of going Dutch. As he did the inviting, and the paying, it gave him control. It also introduced this economic element of dating, whereby women were expected to offer sexual favours in exchange for a date. Interestingly, the word ‘dating’ was first used by prostitutes to refer to their appointments. So it maintained that economic connotation, even when it fell into popular usage. Indeed. The other interesting thing is that, whereas Ovid is reassuring in that our central concerns have stayed the same—how do you attract someone, and how do you keep them—Bailey shows how much conventions can change from generation to generation. For example, before the war, people didn’t really ‘go steady’; you were supposed to generate what she calls a ‘promiscuous popularity’ by dancing with as many men as you could, and be seen to be dating as many people as possible. Of course, you were not supposed to be sleeping with any of them, but perceived popularity was the main goal. Support Five Books Five Books interviews are expensive to produce. If you're enjoying this interview, please support us by donating a small amount . Then, after the war, when there was an actual man shortage, and because people were drawn to security and safety, couples would start going steady—being serially monogamous—often from a very young age. You would think that parents would be thrilled by this, but because they themselves had benefited from the ‘rating and dating’ system before, they were in fact up in arms that their children were going steady, partly because they thought that with fewer partners there was more risk of premarital sex. Bailey cautions against nostalgia, of thinking that any problems we have could be fixed by going back to a previous time, because people tend to look back favourably upon their own youth. I certainly had to think a lot about that: how much of my questioning of current practices was because I had grown up with something different? But I think the stats bear me out. Even the youngest demographic, who have not known anything different, are disappointed by the current state of seduction. Well, part of the problem is that different people are looking for very different things from these apps. And many people don’t necessarily know what they’re looking for. I wouldn’t have a moral problem with a new era of free love, if people were using them to hook up. But I do think that it’s problematic that people use the apps so much for ego-boosting procrastination. One study showed that 44% of people on Tinder were not there to meet anybody, either for a relationship or for casual sex. They were just on it to pass the time, as dating apps are deliberately designed with gaming features. Like social media, it’s another example of tech companies developing products for profit: their objective is to hijack our attention, impeding rather than fostering connection."