Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

"It’s one of the best books ever written, in my view, for guiding women in particular through the minefield of their sexuality in today’s world. It’s the opposite end to The Hite Report , which goes, ‘guys, girls, clitoris! This is happening!’ and simply shouts that out. Emily shows you how to do it. “Good sex is one of the peak experiences of life” The book is written hugely accessibly and it brings in almost everything: emotions, social context. It does bring in the science, but I don’t think that’s the main selling point of the book. Its main contribution is that she gives women (and men: she doesn’t shut men out, that’s another strength of the book) an idea of sex as something hugely complicated, but at the same time enjoyable. She puts you back to, ‘Forget what everybody says—even what I, Emily, say—and trust your own instincts. Work with your own body, your own emotions and your own life.’ I would almost take the word science off the front of her book, not because it’s not there, but because it’s not the most important thing that she’s saying. Yes, the knowledge and the professional experience. She describes herself as a sex educator, which I think is a wonderful way of presenting herself. She’s here to help you reach your potential, because 1. She’s been there, 2. She’s read the books, 3. She’s done the research, 4. She’s a working therapist, and 5. She’s incredibly tuned into all the other stuff: the humanistic psychology as well as the sexual science. She’s bringing everything together for our decade. There may be better books out there, but so far I haven’t found them. Yes. You could say that sex has become ‘aspirational.’ Sex is now the norm, unlike in our grandparents’ time. But now it’s no longer just ‘Let’s have sex,’ it’s ‘Let’s have the best sex we can and let’s give ourselves a hard time if we don’t.’ What Emily is saying is,‘Sex is normal. What you’re feeling is normal. You are normal for wanting it and you’re normal for not wanting it. You’re normal for having off days and you’re normal for getting nervous. Let’s just push back against this constant desire to say, ‘If you’re not doing this, you’re wrong. If you are doing this, you’re wrong. Whatever you’re doing, it’s not right because we’re going to give you a better way.’’ In the book there are whole chapters dealing with different issues. She says that the secret to reclaiming desire is ‘coming back to yourself’. She uses this wonderful phrase, in a non-judgmental way. I use this concept in my coaching work as well. It’s getting you to come back to what they feel, what you think, what you sense is correct for you. In terms of brakes, what she’s saying is that if you come back to listening, looking, being who you are, accepting that you’re normal, and not judging, a lot of the desire will come back. The main block is telling yourself that what you’re doing here and now is wrong. If you take that away, then the desire will likely be the default option. Bringing in my own experience as well as hers, I think the thing that many writers, advisers, and organizations miss—and she really majors in—is that factual ignorance about sex is not the main block. Of course you need the facts, but once you’ve got the facts that doesn’t actually help with sexual blocks or sexual presuppositions. This isn’t a new idea, but she explains it well: that we all come with our own maps, and we need to be aware of those maps and where they come from. Get the weekly Five Books newsletter When I was growing up, I probably got a better sex education than a lot of people nowadays because my mother was happy to talk about sex and emotions. Most sex education—in Britain today, at any rate—is still very, very limited. Where it is given, it is all about the facts. There’s not enough information about the emotional side of sex, the connecting side of sex, the power plays in sex or needs in sex. So there’s lots of information out there, but are there the emotional models? Is there the emotional permission? Is there the encouragement to look on sex as something that you experience rather than something you need to be aspirational about? No, I don’t think there is. It’s better than it was, but it’s offset by all sorts of negative messages about achievement and power and resentment of the opposite gender (or the gender you fancy). There is still an imbalance between the useful messages we’re getting and the non-useful messages. All the information in the world is not going to solve that. I love Paul Joannides’s Guide to Getting it On . It’s written for younger people and goes all the way back to the basics, although I often recommend it to people who aren’t necessarily young. In the same way as Emily’s book, it takes into account emotions and social context. It’s the book I would recommend as a complete ‘how to’ for a guy in the same way as I would recommend Emily’s as the complete ‘how to’ for a woman. But then I’d ask them to read each other’s. I don’t have the figures in front of me but men are still suffering from premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and loss of desire. They may also be feeling harangued at the moment, which is going to drop self-esteem levels and lead to a loss of desire. I love his writing style. The book is funny, it’s completely accurate, it’s not trite or cute, it’s just really upfront in what it says. It has no hang-ups, no biases, no prejudices, no phobias of any sort. There is also a joyfulness to it. Paul says, ‘Look guys (and women if you’re reading this) let’s not take sex too seriously, because it can be wonderful. Let’s not get hung up about it.’ I would challenge anybody to read this book and not learn something."