Chéri

"I chose Chéri because this is the book that gave me, as a young girl, an idea of an older woman’s sexuality. I read it when I was in my teens, and it was one of the first erotic books I read. Although it has a very, very sad ending—I literally cried when I read it—interestingly, the message that I took away from it was not that at 49 you are too old to have a lover, but that you are absolutely not too old. Even though he leaves her and goes back to his young and stupid wife, and she is desperate, the message I took away from it is that actually, it doesn’t have to be like that. At the age of 49, you can be extremely sexual and extremely desirous and you can be desired. Chéri is one of the books that—obviously personally but also professionally—gave me quite early on the idea that sex is for life. It’s a really important point. There was some very nice research from Sweden in 2008 suggesting that many couples in their 60s, 70s and 80s are still having extremely active sex lives. And that it’s really only the cultural taboos and the link between sexuality with fertility that had suggested we can’t do that. I also chose Chéri because whenever somebody is interviewed for Desert Island Discs they always include one thing that isn’t serious. It’s not significant, but they like it. I like Chéri . It’s beautifully written and has lovely memories for me. I’m now approaching 70 and it’s still relevant. Given the science and the medical advances it is more acceptable now, even for a woman ‘as old as me,’ to have a partner and enjoy sex and to be enthusiastic about it. We’re no longer saying, ‘Well, actually, once you hit menopause it’s over.’ It’s not only youth who are sexual. My generation was the first Pill generation, and it really freed us from the link between fertility and sex. That’s a message that everyone—and especially sexual health professionals like me—has really taken on board now. Now, 49 seems incredibly young to me, looking back. It’s like, ’Oh she’s only 49!’ 20 years on from that, sex is still good. So, that’s my self-indulgence book on this list. There are a number of physical and social reasons why post-menopausal sex can be better. The obvious one is no fear of pregnancy. The other one is that there is a hormonal shift, when oestrogen drops away and testosterone levels are left high, and there can be this period after menopause where you’re feeling more desirous and more aroused. The drop in oestrogen also makes women more ‘self-referenced’; that is, more able to choose what we want. It’s not about selfishness, it’s about considering yourself more than you consider others. A lot of women spend the middle part of their life thinking about partnership, commitment, kids and responsibilities, working as a team leader. Then you come to menopause and there is research suggesting that as oestrogen drops, you enter a period of ‘What about me?’ Your life will reflect that because the kids will normally be grown and flown and you’re back with your partner. Or you’re divorced and taking a new partner. There’s a very healthy ‘What about me?’ mindset going on which can allow you to enjoy sex more. You’re more in touch with your own body, and crucially, you can be more convinced that what you’re feeling is important. That leads back to Emily’s book, although she doesn’t focus on the menopause. But there is just as much capacity post-menopause, should you choose sexuality. One caveat: many women don’t. Many women say, ‘No, that’s over for me.’ Good on them, they’ve made a choice. But for those who do want sexuality, there can be a different picture."